Van Helsing

So Bad it’s good rating: 4/5

I can personally attest to the fact that if you’re a typical teenage boy, you’re going to think that “Van Helsing” is both a cool action movie and an exciting throwback to the classic Universal Monster movies. When you’re 17 you’re too stupid to realize how badly written and plot-hole ridden this film is. I’ve got some affection for it and I still enjoy this wild romp, but not quite in the way that you would expect.

Hugh Jackman stretches his acting skills as the legendary monster hunter Van Helsing: an amnesiac who kicks ass for a mysterious organization that protects the normal people of the world from monsters. No, he’s not Wolverine. He’s a monster hunter who is summoned to Transylvania to take down Count Dracula himself. Not only is the demonic creature of the night plaguing the poor people surrounding his castle, but also a foolish family has sworn that they will not enter the gates of heaven until the villain is slain... and now the family tree has been reduced to a single member. Sexy Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious plays backup hero/love interest to Van Helsing and, along with a friar (David Wenham as Carl) who loves to invent monster-slaying gadgets they’re going to have to find a way to kill the vampire. Complicating things is the Frankenstein monster, who holds the key to a sinister plot that could spell doom for all mankind and a bunch of werewolves thrown in for good measure.

Kate Beckinsale is one sexy lady. It’s a good thing because her character serves no purpose whatsoever except to offer a reason for the film to kick off. Dracula and his vampire brides sucking the life out of Eastern Europe is no big deal, but a family’s ridiculous oath sentencing them to spend their afterlife in purgatory? Call in the big guns! The same applies for the mysterious past to Van Helsing. This element of the plot does pay off eventually, but it also makes for a completely ridiculous climax and it raises a whole bunch of questions that might have been answered in a sequel or follow-up TV series but don’t. We don’t need the character to have a mysterious past. He’s the hero, there’s a big threat over there in Transylvania, go!

In an effort to make this movie super awesome and epic, the screenwriter neglected to really think things through and create a world that genuinely makes sense. Take a scene where the town in which Van Helsing arrives in is attacked Dracula’s three brides. They come in, swooping, screaming and what do the townspeople do? Run around screaming, as if they were given no direction as to where the creatures attacking them might be instead of say... heading for the church, which is filled with crosses and holy water? Similarly, a scene where Anna and her brother are tracking down a werewolf (who can roam around during the daylight, without a full moon) they go through extreme lengths to capture the beast in a cage instead of simply killing it with a trusty spike pit. I know technically the characters might have been hoping to capture it and interrogate it to find out where Dracula’s castle is, but I came up with that idea, the movie never gave it to me. Considering their attempts to capture the beast turn sour instantaneously, you don’t get the impression that the characters here are experienced monster hunters. Good thing a real hero is on his way!

There are numerous scenes where people just happen to be at the right spot at the right time or the physics of the world take a time out so the heroes can conveniently escape. The world of Van Helsing is one of swinging ropes and deep chasms, where people can somehow defy gravity. You might not notice it right away, but take a closer look at a particular escape where Anna and Van Helsing use a grappling gun to get away from Castle Frankenstein while a werewolf is on their tail. Notice anything... odd about the way that adrenaline-pumping sequence ends? It becomes apparent when you inspect it closer that that there was a major disconnect between the script and the visual effects here. I know I’m harping on this scene, but people swinging on ropes or cables and ending up in spots they could never attain happens more than once so it really irritated me.

About characters just being at the right place, at the right time; it’s particularly bad during the finale where the action takes place between three groups of characters in three separate, but connected locations. One moment, a character is in serious trouble, about to get done in by one of Dracula’s bride. The next, someone is bursting through a window to save them. How fortuitous, considering the window is hundreds of feet up in the air and the castle so big there’s no way you could spot trouble from the ground. The key rule is that “If it isn’t on screen, it doesn’t exist”. That’s the only way you can explain the fact that Friar Carl travels hundreds of miles, from Transylvania to the Vatican in less than a day to get some dire news from his superiors about how to deal with the Frankenstein monster. You want a second example? Check out the scene where Dracula’s brides are chasing a horse-drawn carriage with Van Helsing in it. When that scene ends, ask yourself how the werewolf could find itself there since we’re explicitly told that these animals can travel faster than a werewolf can run, or how creatures up in the air can not spot large objects moving on the ground beneath them. I could go on, but there’s a lot more to address.

“Van Helsing” suffers from a badly written script. I’m not talking about the story; I’m talking about the dialogue. Characters are constantly taking the time to think up and deliver a witty one-liner before being attacked by a monster or act in ways that no human being would act. I don’t care how creepy your job is, no one in Transylvania who values his or her life would be outside in the middle of the night, during a full moon! Particular attention needs to be given to Dracula’s dialogue. He mentions out loud that he feels no joy or sorrow, but you can clearly see him revelling in his evilness when he kills people and crying when his doomsday plot goes awry. Richard Roxburgh is way over-the-top, which actually makes him a delight to watch.

This is one contrived plot. We’re never explained how Dracula maintains control of the werewolves in the film (and towards the end of the story, you’ll really question him employing them at all) or how exactly he managed to convince Dr. Frankenstein to create a creature that would be the final piece in his diabolical machine... without the doctor even knowing about it. The more you think about it, the less sense this movie makes. This whole movie is unravelling faster than Boris Karloff with his bandages stuck in a door! (That’s a little Universal Monsters reference for ya; I’m putting as much effort as the movie is so give me a break)

With that said, there’s a reason people are going to be duped into liking this movie. There are actually a lot of cool things going on here. The interpretations of the Frankenstein monster, the Werewolves and the various creatures are pretty cool. Mr. Hyde (from Robert Louis Stevenson’s book) makes a brief appearance and there are some genuinely awesome-looking gadgets used throughout the film. We’ve got machine-gun crossbows, sunflare bombs, hand-held circular saws, grappling hooks and more. The movie moves quickly despite its 2hr+ running time because there are plenty of varied action sequences and there are some scenes that are pretty imaginative with their special effects. The interpretation of the Frankenstein Monster was particularly awesome. He’s much more than a grunting, lumbering brute and the way the character looks is inspired. If you’re a fan of those old Universal Monsters movies, you’ll get a kick out of the opening intro as well. It’s a cool throwback, made with a lot of love for those old classics.

Because of all of the flaws present, “Van Helsing” makes for a pretty good time if you know you’re in for a bad movie and you want to make fun of it. The hammy acting from Richard Roxburgh, the ridiculous action scenes that make no sense, the cringe-inducing dialogue and the back-and-forth on the quality of special effects make for a lot of comedic material. You can even pretend that it’s Wolverine going on a crazy adventure for extra kicks and I guarantee you’ll laugh at the conclusion, which contains a dramatic “nooo! ” that will have you roaring. The comedy never lets up, even at the very end where you can squeeze in a nice “Lion King” joke. I have to hand it to “Van Helsing”; it’s a bad movie but at least it’s never boring, it lands itself nicely into the “so bad it’s good” section of your movie collection and it more than meets its goal of being an affectionate tribute to the Universal Monster Mashups. (On DVD, January 10, 2014)