Log in / Sign up
 
    Share this page

    The Boy Next Door

    Reviewed by
    adamwatchesmovies@

    WARNING: This review is hidden because it reveals the content of the film.
    Click here to show this review.
    It’s 2015 and I can’t believe it; they’re still making movies this bad. “The Boy Next Door” is like a cross between the worst Hot Milf porno you’ve ever seen, and the dumbest thriller ever. Jennifer Lopez plays Claire, the mother of a 17-year-old son (Ian Nelson as Kevin) who is going through a divorce. Enter the titular boy next door, Ryan Guzman as Noah. They have a one-night stand, and Noah turns out to be a crazy person that begins stalking her, jeopardizing her job as a teacher, her family and... her life!

    Have you ever seen “Single White Female” (1992), “Fear” (1996), “Swimfan” (2002) or “The Roommate” (2011)? If you’ve seen ANY of those, you’ve already seen this movie. What I’m trying to say is that if you’re having a bad day and you feel like you’re kind of dumb, you watch this film and you will feel like a superhero who can tell the future because this is some of the most predictable garbage I’ve ever seen in the theatre. This is a movie whose plot would have been finished in 10 minutes if anyone in it was half as intelligent as the audience watching. And yes, I am considering that you have to be some kind of dummy to even consider watching what looked like a bad movie from the trailer.

    I almost want to call this film a science fiction story because none of the people in it behave like human beings and the police do not exist in this world. Let me give you an example. Let’s say for I was a high-profile businessman and I was having a steamy affair with my secretary. I tell her it’s over because I’m getting back together with Jennifer Lopez (hey, it’s my fantasy) and she begins blackmailing me by showing me that she has a video of us on her desk at midnight. This is 2015. Hidden camera footage isn’t just a VHS tape lying around her place anymore, it’s a digital file that could be anywhere on the web, even on a secure server that only she could access. I know that going to her laptop, finding the file and dragging it to the trash bin really wouldn’t do anything so what I would do, is call the police and tell them I’m being blackmailed by a crazy lady who probably has a shrine to me in her basement. Or, I buy myself one of those mini recorders, go up to her and engage her in a conversation so I can prove that she’s crazy and blackmail her right back. I just came up with that right here and now, but don’t those seem like logical ways to think? You will find nothing of the sort in this movie.

    I can handle a bad movie just fine. I can get over characters being so short-sighted that they make constant mistakes, or side characters being completely unable to put two and two together when someone tries to murder them, even people giving vicious beatings to each other without anyone getting arrested for unexplained reasons. What I really take offense to is being swindled out of what I want to see in a bad movie. This is an erotic thriller with Jennifer Lopez, it’s rated R and there’s a prolonged sex scene between her and Ryan Guzman... and you don’t see any of her fun bits. I should have started the review with that and it would have let you know right away what a rip-off this film is. You want to know what you see in this “sexy stalker” movie? A couple of butt shots of Ryan Guzman and some random girl naked. The movie even chickens out by making the guy she’s involved with 20 instead of underage, meaning if you haven’t seen any of the films this one is ripping off and you are a dumb teenager trying to put yourself in the shoes of a psycho so you can get together with J-Lo, you have to ignore that the guy you’re trying to mentally replace with yourself is 27 years old. I take further offense at the fact that during any scene in which Claire or Noah is flashing back to the one night of passion we only get the same footage played back to us, no new clips or anything. Yeah it was a prolonged, pretty steamy sequence, but once again, what part of Rated R did no one understand when they were making this picture?

    I have to give this film credit for two things, which means it earns itself a lonely half star out of five. The first is that if you end up seeing it, you have probably viewed one of the worst movies of 2015 and witnessing something this bad, this early in the year might jolt you onto a path of better movie watching. The second is that I saw this film while attending a film festival of classic sci-fi and action films. I basically had the choice between seeing “Hellboy” a second time in two days or “The Boy Next Door”. I went with this movie because I was feeling kind of burnt out between all of the good films I had seen and all of the crazy concepts I had to wrap my mind around. It’s like when you’re shopping for cologne, you have to cleanse your nose pallet by sniffing something totally different, otherwise the smells become overwhelming. Thank you “Boy Next Door”. Your unstoppably unimaginative, awfully written plot was just the pallet cleanser I needed to enjoy “Pan’s Labyrinth” with a fresh pair of eyes.

    Don’t even consider watching this film, even as a movie that’s “So Bad it’s Good”. “The Boy Next Door” is plain awful. It doesn’t even deliver the campy thrills or sleazy exploitation I was hoping a movie this bad would. (Theatrical version on the big screen, February 2, 2015)

    1
    HelpfulNot helpful  Reply
    adamwatchesmovies@  16.2.2015 age: 26-35 2,867 reviews

    Show all reviews for this movie
    Note: The movie review posted on this page reflects a personal opinion of one user. We are not responsible for its content.

    Did you see ''The Boy Next Door''?

    There is a problem with your e-mail address and we are unable to communicate with you. Please go to My Account to update your email.

    How do you rate this movie?

    Select stars from 1 to 10.
    10 - A masterpiece, go, see it now
    9 - Excellent movie, a must see
    8 - Great movie, don't miss it
    7 - Good movie, worth seeing
    6 - Not bad, could be much better
    5 - So so, okay if you don't pay
    4 - Not good, even if you don't pay
    3 - Poor movie, not recommended
    2 - Very bad, forget about it
    1 - Worst ever, avoid at all costs

    Please explain. Write your comment here:

    Please choose a username to sign your comments. Only letters, digits, dash - or period. Minimum 4 characters.

    Your age and sex:

    We publish all comments, except abusive, at our discretion.