Rings

This franchise has been a roller coaster ride. It started way up high, then spiked to the bottom so quickly I now feel like throwing up. I’ll be shocked if “Rings” doesn’t end up on my “Worst of 2017” list. As a sequel, it’s unnecessary; as a horror movie, it’s terrible; as a film in general, it’s flat and so poorly written it’s basically unwatchable.

When Julia (Matilda Lutz) saves her boyfriend Holt (Alex Roe) from the hideous fate that awaits all of those who watch Samara Morgan’s cursed videotape, she discovers new footage that leads to a new mystery to be solved.

The film ignores “The Ring Two” completely, which is for the better (at least in theory), but it isn’t even consistent with the first film. The mystery to be unraveled revolves around Samara’s biological mother. Wait, wasn't the girl born to Mrs. Morgan under weird circumstances? Did I misinterpret that birth certificate (found at 1:15:00) in "The Ring" or the line "My Wife was not supposed to have a child"? More than likely I paid more attention to the franchise than the people who made this film! I’d be able to look past this oversight if "Rings" was good, or anything above drench-yourself-in- gasoline-and-set- yourself-on-fire-to- make-it-stop bad, but...

This is a profoundly uninspired picture. The direction is flat, the actors wooden, the scares non-existent. However, there are plenty of loud noises to startle you. All of these flaws pale in comparison to the story, courtesy of David Loucka and Jacob Aaron Estes. They've created the stupidest college students I’ve ever seen. These are the kinds of people that have never seen a horror movie, will wander into strangers’ homes in the middle of the night, can’t put together the simplest clues, can't remember to use their cell phones, or keep an ear out for imminent dangers.

Early on, there’s a clue to Samara’s end game. It’s so obvious I had it figured out the moment I caught a glimpse. The dunderheads we call protagonists take an eternity to figure it out. They’re so unobservant it drives you loony. When asked to describe the new footage she’s witnessing on-screen, Julia calls a flooded graveyard with three tombstones a “cross in water”; a skeleton in a crematorium is “a burning body”. Does she not realize that these clues could mean the difference between life and death?!

To see "Rings" is to witness writing so awful it becomes tasteless. I could not believe this plot made it to the screen in 2017. This kitty-litter resident plays out like a hybrid of the worst parts of “Final Destination” and “Silent Hill”, with little sprinkles of Onryō horror, at least theoretically."Rings" is never scary, inventive, or anything else but bad. (Theatrical version on the big screen, February 21, 2017)