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    Fifty Shades of Grey

    Reviewed by
    adamwatchesmovies@

    While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you - the person reading this - won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

    Every time I see “Fifty Shades of Grey” I like it less. Say what you will about the first “Twilight” (the book or the film), which inspired author E. L. James to create her own series of books (I’m being nice. This series started as a fan-fic). At least it had stuff going on. “Twilight” creates its own spin on vampires, contains a mystery, has villains and stakes. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is what you get when you take out everything exciting about Stephenie Meyers’ novel and replace it with entry-level BDSM and nudity. This whole film should’ve lasted AT MOST 45 minutes, not over 2 hours!

    Twenty-one-year-old Anastasia Steele (no, really, that’s the name of Dakota Johnson’s character) is smitten by the handsome, aloof billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). When they begin dating, is she prepared for Christian’s singular and very distinct tastes?

    To buy this story, you’ve got to suspend your disbelief so high up it’s prone to get sucked right out of Earth’s atmosphere. There’s nothing romantic about this tale of two beings so mismatched they kind of deserve each other, lest they ruin two other people’s chances to be happy. The concept of a mousy, self-doubting woman who can’t picture herself as a sexual being is taken to such an extreme it's borderline hysterical. When given the chance to research Christian Grey’s bedroom preferences, she doesn’t. When he explicitly tells her what he isn’t comfortable with, she pressures him into them. Time after time, Christian Grey tells Ana there are certain things he likes, and that while they may be "unusual", that's his thing. She is unable to wrap her mind around this concept. We see her graduate from college. This requires a certain amount of intelligence, so why is our protagonist stupider than everyone in the audience?

    Lest you think I’m siding with the guy, Christian Grey is nothing but a rich creep who is just a couple of bad days away from shooting snuff films while hanging out with Patrick Bateman. The man does things no one would ever forgive, and not even to be cruel. He doesn’t realize he’s a maniac. He's just the type of weirdo that will show up when he thinks you're "in trouble" (code for "doing something he doesn't approve of"). If you don’t think what he does is that weird, I dare you to cast someone who looks like me in the role, or have Grey’s “thing” be cropophilia. Suddenly all of his speeches will have you running for the hills.

    If you can separate the sex scenes from the characters engaged in them, the film is just ok. It’s well shot and the cinematography is professional. The problem is that the foreplay just doesn’t have the sensual quality that makes you want to run out of the theatre so you and your date can tear each others’ clothes off. Not helping is that all the BDSM we see is junior-level stuff, or the kind that looks flashy but ultimately, isn’t real. “Fifty Shades of Grey” isn’t interested in delving into the psyche of spanking and handcuffs, it’s just there to make middle-aged women who would be too shy to try it out for themselves go wide-eyed.

    "Fifty Shades of Grey" might've still worked if only Anastasia and Christian had a reason to be into each other. They don't. Their entanglement happens because the plot demands they do. It’s an unconvincing romance that leaves you cold and while there is plenty of nudity throughout, it's no substitute for buildup and the chemistry. When the story of a century-old vampire becoming infatuated with a highschooler is more convincing, your movie is in trouble. (Unrated version on Blu-ray, January 25, 2018)

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    adamwatchesmovies@  26.2.2017 age: 26-35 2,867 reviews

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