Fifty Shades Darker

WARNING: This review is hidden because it reveals the content of the film.
Click here to show this review. It’s hard to say if “Fifty Shades Darker” is a better film than the first. Large chunks of it undo the conclusion of “Fifty Shades of Grey” or reiterate what we already know. On a technical level, it’s probably worse, but I enjoyed it more. Does it matter? This is a bad second film and I’m sure it’ll be followed by an equally lousy third.

After assuring her that he’s ready to open up about his traumatic past, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) convinces Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) to have a second go at their relationship.

On paper, “Darker” sounds like it’ll be worth a damn, particularly if you already wasted your time with the first film. There’s a helicopter crash, a transparently evil creep after Ana, we finally get to see the often-mentioned “Mrs. Robinson” (Kim Basinger) and there’s even a part where someone is threatened at gunpoint! Those tiny blips seem to indicate excitement up ahead, but unless your mental capabilities are impeded by significant blood flow towards your nether regions, don't bother. That helicopter crash? It’s so ineptly shot there isn't a second of tension. Worse, it’s so unnecessary it could’ve, and should’ve been, excised from the plot.

As a whole, this story is messy. Ana’s boss Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson, whose character is so obvious it’s pathetic) does things that in hindsight don’t make much sense. Characters like Christian’s mother, Grace (Marcia Gay Harden), and Ana take some shocking betrayals either way too easily, or in a way that makes you wonder if they didn’t know all along and are being overly dramatic to put on a show. There still isn’t any chemistry between the two planks of wood that are Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, though at least she seems to be having a bit more fun in her role as Ana flip-flops between inviting her boyfriend’s sexual deviancies and chastising him for being a weirdo.

The film begins by undoing the ending of “Fifty Shades of Grey” and sprinkles hints of a plot in its first half-hour via some new characters. Then there’s a whole lot of nothing until the last half hour. At this point, director James Foley hastily drops a couple of bombshells to warm us up for chapter 3. In between, there are exactly two good scenes. The first has Ana and Christian playing a game of pool that might get you steamed up. It’s a sensual moment where the winner will decide what kind of fleshy display awaits us. The other takes place on a boat and shows us our couple smiling. It doesn’t sound like much, but briefly, they make you think maybe these two people could be in love, instead of pretending to be for the sake of this idiotic storyline.

If you stick around for the end credits of the “Unrated” version, you get a sneak peek at “Fifty Shades Freed”, which I’m certain will deliver more boredom than eroticism. I do hope the three sinister characters in this picture will band together in a Legion of Doom-style alliance, that could be fun. Nothing I can say will deter the cultists from calling “Fifty Shades Darker” even better than the first. For the rest, there are many other better, shorter, more exciting, more sexy films available to you. (Unrated version on Blu-ray, January 26, 2018)