CHiPs

It’s only April and one shouldn't start throwing words like “the _____ movie of the year! ” out yet. So I’m not going to say that "CHiPs" is the worst film we’re likely to see all year… but it might be.

FBI agent Frank “Ponch” Poncherello (Michael_Peña) goes undercover at the CHP (California Highway Patrol) to investigate a series of heists. Teamed up with former bike riding champion now turned officer Jon Baker (Dax Shepard), the two begin unraveling the case, unaware that corrupt officers are in on the crimes.

I think Dax Shephard (who also directed and wrote this mistake of creation) applied to direct "The Fast & the Furious 8", and didn’t get the part. He then opted for "Need for Speed 2" and learned that the franchise was D. O. A. Desperate, he began searching for a property that would allow him to shoot a bunch of chases and stunts, finally settling on "CHiPs". He doesn’t care about the original show and certainly not about telling a story, only about racing down sets of stairs, speeding up and down hills and going fast.

"CHiPs" basically features the default storyline for every generic cop action/comedy. Opposites paired up to solve a crime that’s much bigger than it seems at first. As they follow the clues, they make a couple of mistakes, triggering a “Damn it Poncherello, next time it’ll be your badge! “ line. You’d be falling asleep if the film wasn't so jumbled, so poorly edited, so appallingly written you’re too busy trying to wrap your mind around what just happened to nod off.

It’s like every joke was treated like a delicate Faberge Egg. Once committed to paper, nothing was cut or altered. It doesn’t matter that sex addict Ponch’s actions are inconsistent from scene to scene or that kitty litter and butt holes are recurring jokes. If ANYONE besides the creator had taken a look at the script, they would've immediately highlighted the frequent instances of “gay panic/no homo” humor as dated, not to mention lame. If you're going to toy with that idea, don't put it in a film that judges women based on how hot or old they are, and don't toss in pointless nudity throughout unless you're trying to reveal yourself as a fratboy.

It doesn’t matter if a joke, revelation, conversation or action scene makes sense. Nothing makes sense. Not the characters’ motivations (particularly during the climax), not the forced romances (I didn’t even see it coming it’s so awkward) or the trail of clues that leads to the head-scratching climax. There are a few moments in "CHiPs" that are funny but those tiny oases only allow you to live out your agonizing life a few minutes longer."CHiPs" is not as bad as I expected it to be, it’s much, much worse. (Theatrical version on the big screen, April 4, 2017)