Black Christmas

WARNING: This review is hidden because it reveals the content of the film.
Click here to show this review. “Black X-Mas” is a perfect example of an uninspired, generic slasher movie. It’s also a stereotypical bad remake, understanding nothing about what made the original film good. It’s also a film that’s so awful it’s absolutely hilarious!

Set during Christmas Eve/Christmas Day, the film follows the members of a female sorority house living in what used to be the home of Billy Lenz (Robert Mann), a yellow-skinned lunatic who killed his entire family 15 years ago... 15 years ago tonight! When Billy escapes from the mental asylum, he decides to start the killing all over again, somehow traveling to the sorority house undetected and picking off the residents one by one.

Name any horror cliché and it’s in here. They’re all here! Dumb characters who split up when they should be sticking together? Yup. Cell phones suddenly not working because of weather conditions? Yup. Unexplainable behavior by weird-looking characters to throw you off? Yup. Cars that won’t start at critical moments? Of course! Teleporting killers, indestructible psychopaths, musical stings to create the illusion of real scares, useless back stories that raise more questions than answers? Check, check, check! Even if you’re prepared for how bad this movie is, you can’t help but wonder if anyone was paying attention while they were making this film. There are simply so many obvious moments that make no sense. How does a man that’s been in a mental asylum for 15 years manage to get from his cell to his childhood home? Do they give driving lessons at the facility? How does he manage to arrive unnoticed despite the fact that we’re told it would take police officers 2 hours to get there? It’s not like this guy is inconspicuous. There are several twists throughout so I won’t give anything away, but if you have seen the movie, you will know what I mean when I say that all of the stars and the moon must have aligned on this Christmas night for the events to take place as they do. Either that or these are some of the biggest coincidences in cinematic history.

When it comes to the heroes in this film, these are some of the dumbest, bitchiest college students you have ever seen. They are simply too stupid to live. From basic mistakes like not charging your cell phone, to not grabbing a weapon when you know you are being stalked by a killer, to not being able to face reality that your friend is dead, to failing to notice the obvious. The premise of this film is that the killer is out there and that our characters are trapped with him because of the weather. They call the police and find no help there. What they fail to realize, and the movie points it out to us, is that despite the fact that the power is out inside their house, there is another sorority, right across the street with their lights on! You stupid broads! Just run over there and ask for help!

As a remake, this film is a total disaster. Remember that one shot where we saw Billy’s eye in the original film? Writer/director Glen Morgan did and he expanded it into a full-on subtheme. Eyeballs get skewered, ripped out or eaten throughout this film. Remember the lack of info about the identity of Billy? Here we get tons of backstory on him, an origin that makes absolutely no sense and is confusing because some of it is given to only the audience, some of it is given to the audience AND the sorority sisters. If you play spot-the-reference, you’ll end up blowing your brains out at how badly the fan-service is handled.

The thing with “Black X-Mas” is that it’s so bad, so unbelievably executed that it becomes an absolute riot. It’s never the least bit frightening, contains tons of memorable moments, consistently reinvents what it means to be both a lousy remake and a lame slasher film. Some of the sights contained within are so ghoulish and strange you can never un-see them. If you want a movie where you can poke fun at, this is a great one. It makes for a terrific double-feature with the original because not only does it really show what that first one did right, but the references to the original film make this one look EVEN WORSE! I love “Black X-Mas”. No matter what people have heard about this film, they can never be prepared for what they see. That means I’m there pointing out all of the plot holes and mistakes (at least 1 continuity error at the end) while they sit there, mouth agape and I’m having an absolute blast. (Unrated Cut On DVD, December 5, 2014)