Assassin's Creed

WARNING: This review is hidden because it reveals the content of the film.
Click here to show this review. I predicted when I first saw the trailers for “Assassin’s Creed” that we’d get a catastrophe. At least there was only one other person with me in the theatre, meaning most have the sense to spend their money elsewhere.

For centuries, the Assassin’s Brotherhood has fought a secret war against the Templar Order, who seek to annihilate free will using the fabled Apple of Eden (basically the Anti-Life Equation from DC Comics) The Apple has been unaccounted for since 1492, which is where Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) comes in. Using the Animus project, Dr. Sophia Rikkin (Marion Cotillard) will allow Callum to relive the memories of his ancestor, Aguilar de Nerha (also Fassbender) and discover where it has been hiding.

If you’ve played “Assassin’s Creed”, I’m sure this picture will seem airtight. I can forgive the fact that a man from 2016 looks the exact same as one from 1492 (though a better film would’ve cast 2 similar-looking people) I can get past the sci-fi premise. What stumped me was the continuous barrage of nonsensical developments and badly written scenes.

In one memory, Aguilar plunges from a building straight towards the ground with no means to escape. In the next, he’s fine, having resolved his predicament off-screen. “How? ” No time for explanations; instead let’s throw in another battle in which legions of nameless goons are killed one after another (in admittedly impressive ways); get ready for more pointless shots of that eagle flying around (I’m sure it means something) or another scene with the useless female assassin (Ariane Labed) to slow our hero down.

What’s particularly frustrating is that you can see how it could’ve been awesome. “Assassin’s Creed” has a unique identity thanks to its period-piece setting and the special effects are top-notch. Unfortunately, they’re in the service of dull, one-dimensional characters and the stakes are non-existent. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a twist that the people who have hired Callum are after the Apple for insidious reasons, but I figured it out immediately. That leaves the audiences hoping that the hero will fail his mission! Who approved this plot? Probably the same person who thought “Wouldn't it be awesome if the secret society of assassins made their members LESS effective and chopped off a finger from their right hand as part of their initiation? ”

“Assassin’s Creed” lives in a world where modern-day security guards use crossbows instead of guns and the Templar Order’s prisoners have free access to lethal weapons. It's a topsy-turvy realm that is impossible to relate to unless you’re simply dying to see the game brought to life on the big-screen. Even for gamers, you can do better than this; at least “Warcraft” didn’t feel like a complete misstep the WHOLE way through. (Theatrical version on the big screen, January 8, 2017)