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    Cobra

    Reviewed by
    adamwatchesmovies@

    “Cobra” is one crazy movie. It’s absurdly violent, at times nonsensical, badly written, and so over-the-top you can’t believe they took it seriously. This film is so busy trying to convince us that legislation and proper procedures get in the way of true justice it becomes hilarious.

    Sylvester Stallone is officer Marion “Cobra” Cobretti, a cop so bold all he needs to defeat crime is for those who believe in “due process”, “innocent until proven guilty” and “nonlethal force” to stand out of the way. When model Ingrid Knudsen (Brigitte Nielsen) witnesses a savage attack by a cult of ax-wielding maniacs who believe in a New World Order, she is placed in protective custody. With the cult's leader (Brian Thompson as the Night Slasher) hell-bent on slaughtering her, Cobra is Marion’s only hope.

    What a misfire. Even if it were true that police officers could clean up the streets in five minutes if they were given free rein, this film would fail to convince you."Cobra" has no grasp on reality whatsoever. Violent crimes may happen every day, some of them might be senseless and random… but how many are committed by one-dimensional villains like the ones we meet here? This feels like it was written by an angsty teenager who just finished reading a newspaper article about a murderer going free due to lack of evidence. It’s a fantasy in which the muscle-bound hero is never punished or even reprimanded because he's surrounded by limp-wristed softies with broomsticks up their asses.

    Cutting the legs from under the picture is its own staggering body count. While Jason Voorhees may have butchered 146 people on-screen, that’s over 12 films. Cobra kills 41 in just a few days. The man makes a career of tracking down bad guys. They must have entire fields dedicated to the suspects he’s tracked down!

    What cements "Cobra" as a film that’s so bad it’s good is its earnestness. Sylvester Stallone stars and wrote the screenplay. Director George P. Cosmatos went on to direct “Tombstone”, about a group of cowboys who decide to bring justice to a small town by the way of the gun. They believed in this picture. They wanted to lure people into the theatre with the promise of violence and action while teaching you a lesson. They wanted to change the way you think. Every antagonist is so slimy, every effort to make Cobra cool is so obvious it winds up having the opposite effect. Whether it's a would-be frightening scene or action-packed exchanges of gunfire, it all becomes hysterical as you count down the number of people sent to their graves. You keep waiting for that weird scene with the robots (don't ask) to pay off… and it doesn’t, making the film a blast to watch alone, but even more entertaining to see with friends that have no idea what they’re getting into.

    As a bonus, “Cobra” is set around Christmas time - obviously to make its violence even more shocking. I’ve heard it used to run longer and was Rated X before it was trimmed down to accommodate more screenings upon its initial release. That original version is what I want for Christmas this year. There’s no better way to describe this Stallone picture than to pull a quote directly from the movie: “This thing’s so far out of control I don’t know where to start”. (On Blu-ray, December 2, 2016)

    10
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    adamwatchesmovies@  25.3.2016 age: 26-35 2,867 reviews

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